Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
