i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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