my soul wont recognize me after tonight
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
