Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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