Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
