Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
