i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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