it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I can't put those talents on a resume
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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