I puked a lego.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
