i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
