her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
