The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
