i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
