Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just pee around me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
