She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
