I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
