I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
