stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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