3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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