Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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