She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
