Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
