then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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