Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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