I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
