There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
