Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
