i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
