Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
