I'm sorry my penis didn't work
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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