She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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