I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
