Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So much Jack, so little girl.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
