If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
