just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
