I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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