dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
