Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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