In America we eat man semen.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
