I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
