god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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