ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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