omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
