Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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