Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I pour the whiskey from now on
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
