I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
