I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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