I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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