This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
