Please, let me fuck your mom
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
