What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
