new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
did i just pee glitter
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
