I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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