I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
